What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 21:58
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
My family never makes their pension either.
I want to have anal sex, but my wife refuses. What do I do?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it wasn’t much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was scared of men, in general
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I said to her
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i lived it daily.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was in good health!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ive learnt so much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It was going to be , some day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So whats the point in blame.
She loved him until the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I couldn’t, believe it.
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .